Realizations

I change my mind a lot. It’s a simple but true fact that I have come to discover about myself. I don’t think it’s something that I do because I’m fickle or high maintenance, I think it has more to do with the fact that I have too many things that I want, or think that I want. I have a multitude of ideas that I want to express and goals I want to achieve at any given moment which causes for confusion. I can’t focus on one thing because so many other things seem to pass me by when I’m not looking.

Probably the most obvious example of all of this is with boys. As all of my friends know, I develop crushes at the drop of a hat. I often refer to myself as a crush slut, which some people have told me is a derogatory thing to say. Yes, it is kind of negative, but it’s such a realistic description of what happens. These are crushes that are fleeting and of the moment and aren’t really given another thought after a day or two. I forget about the boy once he is out of sight and move on to the next one I see. It’s terribly funny to watch myself go through this, but because I know what is happening I don’t give the crushes too much credibility. Of course there are various levels of crushes and those just mentioned are at the very bottom of the relationship totem pole. As I remain interested in someone for a longer period of time (without having him in constant view) I know that it’s more than just a crush and that I actually like this boy, but even then there are often a few guys who live in this category. I can’t close any doors unless I know that there is real potential with a guy, and I haven’t been there in a long while. But I digress …

The other place in my life where I can’t seem to come to a decision is in my life plans. As you should all know by now I am planning to go to Europe. But when am I leaving and where am I going? Don’t know yet. I’d like to know and be able to make plans, but there are just so many different ways I could go about this whole adventure that I don’t even know where to begin. There are so many ifs, ands, and buts that it gets very confusing and the only way I can really deal with it is to stop for a moment and forget about it completely. But this is something I can only do so often since the window for purchasing a reasonable plane ticket is rapidly closing. I need to make some decisions soon; that much is clear. But once again, what if I close the wrong door?

I think I’m too independent of a person sometimes and then other times I let myself be bullied around by myself and talk myself out of things. I am a responsible person and I take responsibility for my actions. I don’t expect anyone to take the blame for me. If I do stupid things, I own up to them. It’s just my nature – or at least it has become my nature, I’m sure I wasn’t as fault accepting as a kid. The point is that I don’t want to just do (or not do) something because someone tells me. Yes, I take the advice of people I trust and care about and who care about me, but I also think about things myself. I weigh the options and make a choice. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, but ultimately I have learned that I need to do things for myself and not for anyone else. It sounds a little selfish as I say it out loud, but it’s the truth. I know it isn’t always about me, but sometimes it is ok to put yourself first and to make a decision that is right for you even if it puts other people in a tight spot. There is consideration for others and then there is letting yourself be walked all over. I am not a doormat.

I guess the point of my rambling is that I would consider myself to be a fairly confident person. I have purpose and direction and am happy with who I am as a person. I may not always know how I am getting somewhere or what it’ll look like once I do, but I have faith that I will get there. Life is one big adventure and there has to be some surprises otherwise it wouldn’t be an adventure. It’d be predictable and boring and life should never be that way. Everyone has a different journey and you have to live your own. You can’t live someone else’s. I’m just trying to enjoy every moment of mine and learn every step of the way.