What can you do?

It’s always hard for me to buy things. First off, I hate spending money. I always think things should be cheaper than they are and so I end up depriving myself of things that I want simply because I don’t want to pay whatever amount for it. Case and point, I wanted an ipod for a really long time. Did I ever buy one? No. I got one for free the summer after I graduated when I opened up a savings account. It’s only a nano, but it’s served me well these last two and a half years. I’m all about good deals.

When I’m forced to having to buy something – like when I had to buy a new car last year or I have to get something fixed and there is no control over the cost – I get very sad. I almost always have buyer’s remorse when I go shopping, even if I get things that I like. I always feel like I should have gotten a better deal or waited just a few more months and then it’d be on sale. I hate going shopping with other people because I feel pressure to get things when if I were alone I wouldn’t spend the money.

I think the root of my problem is that I think once I have purchased an item I will not longer want it as badly as I did when I didn’t already have it. And then I’ll feel guilty for spending so much money (but not really that much money) on something I don’t absolutely love anymore. It’s a value thing and it’s interesting to me that once I have something the value decreases. This doesn’t always happen – there are certain items that I just love (like my artwork) and wouldn’t return even if they offered me more money than I had originally paid, but often it does. I’m discovering that this indecisive little issue that I have is carrying over into other aspects of my life – not just with things that I purchase.

I’ve said for a while now that I’m thankful for my singleness and am enjoying it – which is true. I love my freedom and independence and not having to factor another person into everything that I do. Besides, I’m going to be gone for a significant period of time in the fall and I don’t want to start a relationship just to leave. Long distance is no fun when you’re an hour or two apart, it’d be even worse on a different continent. This isn’t to say that if the right person came along I would reject them, I’m just not out looking for that person right now. It’ll happen when it happens but I’m in no hurry.

Ironically my blatant apathy towards dating has brought me more attention in the last few months than I’ve received in the last six years. I know that part of it is that I’m getting myself out of the house more often and making an attempt at being more sociable, but I just find it funny how I can be so set in one path and then something happens that changes how I feel. I spent years hoping I’d meet the right guy and things would just somehow work out and nothing happened. So I’ve now been going out and enjoying life as a single person and what do you know? All of a sudden there are opportunities for dating.

God has a funny sense of humor and all I can really do is just laugh along with him. I don’t know what any of this means and I’m not going to pretend that I do. I’m just going to live in the moment and see what happens. I’ve decided I’m going to be all about meeting new people and getting out of my comfort zone. I’m going to say yes to more things – but not necessarily everything – and who knows? Maybe my plans will change for the better and I’ll suddenly find myself with incredible opportunities that I could not have even imagined for myself. So, what can you do? Here’s hoping for the best!