Direction

I watched the movie, P.S. I Love You tonight. I like the movie a lot, it’s a good chick flick, not a great film by any means, but an enjoyable piece that is needed every once in awhile. As I sat there and watched the story play out in front of me I began to think about my own life – which is nothing like the lives of the characters in this movie – and I became frustrated with myself.

Like so many other twenty-somethings, there are a million different things that I want to do with my life but I have no idea where to begin. I feel as if my opportunities are dwindling and that I’ll regret not taking advantage of everything in front of me. I don’t want to end up stuck somewhere doing something out of obligation when it’s not what I’m meant to do. The problem is that there are so many things I would like to try and I can’t close one door if I haven’t seen what’s behind all the other doors. The reality is that no one can do that. It’s too overwhelming and just plain impossible to know every possibility out there. I know that, but it still feels like I’m failing life.

My head knows I am not failing. Logically I know that I could be way worse off in life than where I am now, but my heart doesn’t believe my head. My heart aches because it wants more. It wants more than the comfortable life I have come to know. It wants adventure, it wants excitement, it wants accomplishments, and it thinks a man with an Irish accent wouldn’t hurt. ;)

It seems like there are so many great things out there just beyond my grasp. I’ve always been told that I can achieve anything I set my heart and mind to accomplish; I just have to work hard for it. But that begs the question; since I do not have the things that I want, does that mean I don’t want them badly enough or I have I not worked hard enough for them? Maybe. I don’t know.

I’m not naïve enough to think that this feeling is unique to me. It’s a common “twenty-something” experience. I get that, but it doesn’t make it any less real for me. I want independence. I want individuality. I want to make my mark. I want to be recognized for the things I am good at. But most of all, I want to be able to express everything that is inside of me in a coherent way. There is something inside me that is worth letting out. If only I could make sense of it all. I can’t put words or pictures to it. It’s inexpressible, but it’s real, and I want so badly to share it.

I just don’t know how.