Friday

As of Friday afternoon, I became unemployed. My temporary job at SPU finally reached it's end, though they would have kept me if they had the money. It's good to finally have a definite end to this position but hard to lose the paycheck and familiarity of the job. It's strange to me that I have spent the last eight years at SPU (with the exception of the six months from when I quit working in Conference Services and was hired in Security). That is a really long time to be somewhere and while change is good, it scares me, in some ways, to try and reach beyond what I know.

I don't think goodbyes have ever been easy for me. I remember moving to a new house (one of many) when I was 6 or 7 and walking through the entire house saying goodbye to the walls and stairs, the garage doors, windows, and even the plants outside. I distinctly remember the feeling of loss I had as I realized that the memories I had of that home were all that I had left. Sure I could return years later and knock on the door, explain that I lived there as a child and ask to come inside, but that house, my house, would never be the same again.

I am probably being overly dramatic about this house. (A house that I lived in for probably two years when I was 6. A house that has come to be one out of the 19 places I have lived so far in my life.) But I share all this to point out that, in a way, my feelings are nothing new. Driving away from SPU at the end of each school year (and even sometimes during breaks) I always felt like I was leaving a part of me behind, like things would never be the same again for me.

When I left campus on Friday, I didn't have the same empty feeling I have had before. When I quit last August I was headed toward something new and exciting. Working that job (or any job for that matter) could not live up to what I was headed toward with my travels and relationship with Eddie. New adventures awaited me and I was anxious for them. This time when I left there was nothing specific ahead of me. I don't know what the future holds - I feel like I've been saying the same thing for the last year now - but I know I'll get where I'm supposed to go. Maybe I'm more at peace with myself now and maybe there really is nothing left for me at SPU. I'm not sure and only time will really be able to give me that answer.

For now, I'm here. I'm applying for jobs and trying to figure out what to do with my life professionally. I'm cleaning the apartment, doing dishes and laundry, and trying to finally get things set-up around here. I'm finishing Thank-You notes, watching movies, bonding with Daphne, and learning how to cook a little better. Life is happening and I'm trying to be in the moment.