Tuesday, February 23, 2010
One of the causes of anorexia is that people feel out of control and helpless. They feel like the only thing they can control is what they do or don't eat. It's their own way of regaining their sense of what they've lost and creating a sense of order, though it is twisted and unhealthy. Some days I feel as though I can understand where this desire comes from. I am not anorexic, so please don't misconstrue my words. All I mean is that sometimes I wish there was more in my life that I could control.
My life is good. I have a wonderful family that loves and cares for me and my parents are letting me live at home in exchange for monthly chores since I don't have a job. Eddie is the best fiance ever and puts up with all my wedding craziness like a pro. He is supportive and encouraging and always right there by my side loving me. I have great friends that I can call anytime to just chat with, complain to, or process things out loud with. We have ridiculous amounts of fun and can laugh for hours over the most minute and insignificant thing. I have a great life, but that' doesn't mean it's always easy.
Right now the thing that I have to latch onto is the wedding. I am planning all the details and trying to organize the day. If I throw myself into the chaos that is a wedding then I don't have to think about where Eddie and I are going to live, how we are going to support ourselves, and the countless other unknowns ahead of us. My life, though great, is chaotic enough right now in this moment, let alone all the question marks of the future.
Most of my things are in storage still and the few things I have unpacked are haphazardly placed in drawers and closet spaces. Half of my closet is not mine - it became my parent's storage space when I moved out years ago. Few things actually have a place in my life right now. I feel helpless, and at the same time I know it's not helpless. I know things will get better and more "controlled" as time goes on, but it's the now that is difficult. I want to fix things, it's what I do, but I can't right now. I can't fix this problem. I have to wait, Eddie and I have to wait. We have to do our best but we also have to trust God and know that He will take care of us in this situation.
For now, that's all I can do. Well, that and taste test wedding cake.