Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Girl in the Mirror

I keep staring at myself in mirrors. Whenever I pass one I see my reflection and question if the girl I see is actually me. I’m not a vain person, or at least I like to think I’m not, but I can’t help myself. I stare in disbelief and confusion. Is this what I really look like? Obviously it must be, but the image I have in my head doesn’t match what I see. My mental self image isn’t prettier or uglier than the one staring back at me, it’s just different and I don’t necessarily know how to explain it.

It’s amazing how much a person’s appearance can change with the simplest adjustments. Obviously girls look different with make-up versus without it and everyone looks different when they change their hairstyle, but I think there subtle differences that we are not always in control of. I can do my hair and make-up exactly the same day after day, but I still see a difference and I don’t know what it is. It’s hard to put my finger on.

I guess I don’t really have formulated thoughts on this yet; it’s just something I’ve been reflecting on (haha, no pun intended).

I have never been a person who has really cared about what I look like. Yes, I want to look good, but I will leave the house without make-up and my hair in a pony tail. I get acne and I deal with it until it goes away. Sometimes I think it’d be nice to wipe the slate clean and have treatments to “improve” my appearance, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not worth it to me.

My face is not perfect but when I look at it I see everything I have overcome. The bump on my forehead reminds me of when my brother hit me with a rock and we thought I was going to die but it turned out to be just a scratch. The small gaps in my teeth are reminders of the “bad” teeth I inherited from my grandpa. Even though I had braces and they were more “perfect” at one point, too much perfection creeps me out. My face shows evidence of the headgear I had to wear when I had braces; the acne it caused and the scaring it left.

Maybe the reason I don’t really see myself in the mirror isn’t because I think I look different, but because I feel different. I don’t feel as old as I look and sometimes I don’t feel as young as I look. Some days all I can see are the imperfections and others I couldn’t care less.

I wonder what I’ll think in 5, 10, or 20 years from now. Will I see my reflection and question the validity of it? Will I feel the same way about the wrinkles and wear that I am sure I will acquire as I do now about my teeth and scars? Will I care if my hair is “done” or not? Will I be just as content with a ponytail and no make-up on? I don’t know, and I obviously wont until I’m in that moment, but I hope I’ll have the same attitude. I hope I won’t be jaded by life and convinced I’m not good enough, because I am.

Someone once told me that I am a treasure worth beholding. I’ve always had confidence in myself and at the time I thought it was a strange thing to say, but I think I’m finally starting to realize the truth behind the statement. I am valuable and my experiences and my life are not trite. I am worth something not only to God, but also to myself, my friends, my family, and someday (hopefully) my husband and kids. I am who I am and I am not going to apologize for that. Others may see the girl in the mirror, but I know there is something deeper behind the reflection.

I hope you can see past the person in your mirror as well because you are valuable too. You are a treasure worth beholding.

2 comments:

Sarah Elizabeth said...

Well, I just saw you totday and you looked STUNNING. :-)

anng said...

You're so sweet Sarah. :) I had a wonderful time with you yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it. You are beautiful in every way.

 
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