Monday, June 1, 2009

It's Complicated ...

It’s been awhile since the last time I actually wrote something here so I thought it might be a good idea to give some sort of update, although I’m not quite sure what to say. I’ve been thinking about a lot of different things lately, most of which the details I’d rather not discuss via the World Wide Web, but let’s see if I can pontificate in a vague but somehow successful way.

For a variety of reasons I’ve felt a little hypocritical recently. I like to think of myself as the kind of person who acts a certain way and treats others a certain way that is good and right and in line with how I want to be treated. For the most part I think I do this but I’ve had a moment of self discovery and realized that there are some areas of my life where I hold others to a different standard and make excuses for myself. That doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t want to be that kind of person where I say one thing and then do the complete opposite. Now the decision has to be made about whether or not it’s my ideas and standards or my actions and impulses that are incorrect. In some ways I think they’re both wrong, but how do I fix that?

I just don’t know.

I can also feel myself slipping into a senioritis of sorts. I know it’s too early to check-out. There is still a lot of time ahead of me. Our “summer” starts in two weeks and I’ve got quite a bit to take care of before that gets here. I have to keep my mind in the game, I cannot afford to lose track of all the little details that need to be taken care of. It doesn’t help that it’s been beautiful for the last few weeks and the sunshine is extremely distracting.

The uncertainty of my future has been leaving me with an uneasy feeling. Plans for my trip are moving forward and I’ve begun to finalize details, but nothing is actually cemented in just yet. I am nervous because I don’t feel confident in my plan just yet, but I’m so ready to go. I don’t want to be too detailed that my schedule is inflexible, but I also don’t want to be stuck somewhere wishing I had done more research.

When I get back, don’t know what’s going to happen either. Where will I live, what will I do? I don’t know. There are so many unknowns. While I’m honestly ok with that there is a part of me that wants to know. I like to have a plan and know what I’m walking into even if it’s a loosely based plan that is fluid and able to change. My life is just so very much in transition and I don’t know if it’s wise to make plans.

It’s also really hard to make plans if you’re not sure what it is that you want, and that’s something I don’t really know. There are so many possibilities that I could see myself pursuing but there are so many if’s involved that I don’t know where to begin. It’s something that I need to let go until I get to that point in my life. I need to be in the here and now and take one step at a time, but it’s hard not to think about the future and all the possibilities out there. I like to dream but the downside is having to close a door on one dream in order to pursue another.

I think a lot of this is just life. Making decisions and taking responsibility for them. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s not always an easy thing. I’m learning life isn’t easy and maybe I don’t want to grow up too fast. Unfortunately I can’t stop time. It keeps moving forward and I will move right along with it. I am looking forward to my future – despite the unknowns – but it is still scary, unnerving, and unpredictable.

1 comment:

Shera said...

sounds so much like my mid-mid-life "crisis" on my bday :) growing up isn't that great haha but it's happening. and what do we want to do?...?????? :) we'll chat all about it later i'm sure.

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