Sunday, August 9, 2009

Who Knew?

I have an hour before I need to leave for church and instead of spending that time reading about France, Italy, Ireland, or England – the countries I have yet to research for my trip – I am here, lying on my bed writing another blog. In case you didn’t know, procrastination is my middle name. I have actually gotten some things crossed off my list today. I sent some e-mails and made some phone calls that were long overdue and I cleaned my room – quite the feat if you ask me. I even did two loads of laundry and have showered for the day.

After church my dear friend Shera will be arriving into town from Montana. We will probably have dinner somewhere and then settle in for the night. She is going to be staying with me for the week while she works in her office in Fremont (she normally works from home, but is in town for just this week). I’m very excited to see her. She stayed with me six weeks ago and we had a blast together. I’m glad that I get to see her one last time before I leave for Europe.

As I mentioned, I should be reading and researching for my trip, but I’m putting it off. I don’t know why these last few countries are so daunting for me to get through. If I had to put my finger on it and give you a reason, I’d guess it’s because I know that if I finish my research then it makes everything that much more real. To be perfectly honest, I’m scared about the reality of my situation and the lack of control I have over it.

Yes, I have an itinerary and yes, I am researching as much of it as I can, but there are a lot of unknowns. I’m throwing myself into this adventure head first and hoping for the best. I’m sure I will make mistakes along the way, but hopefully nothing too drastic. I have a good head on my shoulders and am a pretty logical person, so I don’t see myself getting into trouble, but the practical side of me wants to plan as much as I can so that I can find the most economical way to do everything. I don’t like wasting time or money or relinquishing control. Maybe God is teaching me a lesson here? Hmm…

I find myself thinking about how quickly life can change. It was a little over a year ago when I decided that I was going to do this trip once and for all. I planned to leave in January/February and return in December. It was going to be my dream trip and I was going to do everything – include spend my entire life savings. When that plan changed in November and I discovered that my dream trip was an impossibility, it hit me hard. I don’t want to say that I settled for this coming trip, but it definitely wasn’t my first intent. I think God had other plans for me and there have been reasons that I needed to stick around until now. My four month trip is not my year long adventure but is going to be amazing, no doubt.

Also reflecting on changes, I never would have thought three months ago that I would have a boyfriend, let alone someone who is seemingly the perfect guy for me. When I e-mailed him back in May I expected nothing more than a fun story about the guy from craigslist who took me out for a drink before I scared him away with my craziness. Who knew that my e-mail response, sent on a whim, would turn into something real? I am so thankful that I did not let the rational side of my brain talk me out of sending that e-mail since I knew I was leaving and didn’t want to have an excuse to stay. I am also so thankful that Eddie is the kind of guy who would never let me sacrifice who I am or make me feel bad about my individuality in order to give in and conform to what others might expect of me. I have felt blessed everyday of our relationship and know with certainty that I am cared for and cherished.

I guess I have recently just come to more readily accept what I’ve always known – which is that God has a plan and He is always watching out for me. I am the one with the crazy notion that I am in control of my life but I gave up my control a long time ago when I gave it over to Him. I keep trying to reach up and take it back because all I can see is the short term and I feel confident that I can take over the reins again, but I am so glad that He sees the bigger picture and doesn’t let me make a mess of things (too much). Hindsight is always 20/20 and when I look back on the 25 ½ years of my life I can see how He has worked in it in so many ways. Without His guidance and strength I would not be where I am today and I would not be the person that I am.

I am nervous, anxious, and excited about my trip. I am nervous, anxious, and excited about my relationship with Eddie. I am nervous, anxious, and excited to see what my life will be like once I get back in December and try to find a job, a place to live, and figure out what the next step is. But overwhelmingly I feel a sense of peace and clarity that I know can only come from God. I know it is cheesy to say, but I know that He is right by my side and is walking each step with me. I know that every turn I make will be guided by Him and that while I will make mistakes and wrong turns, He will be there to show me the way back to where I need to be – even if it means a few detours.

The last few months have been a blur and I’m sure that the next four will be as well. So much can change in a short period of time so I really have no expectations for what is ahead of me. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time and do my best to trust in Christ. Here’s to the unknown – a guided unknown. I can’t wait to see what happens.

1 comment:

gail said...

I am trusting in the Lord to guide and protect you too! Trust and obey, for there is no other way... but it will make my heart happy to hear from you often!

free counter